My Blog

Ok, time to build on what I was talking about yesterday … compatibility, and identifying problems and issues. This time I want to cover the more touchy subject of sexual compatibility, not just (as Jackie put it so well) “show-stoppers”. Keep in mind, of course, that sex is really about 5% of a relationship, unless it’s a problem in which case it is going to be about 95% of your relationship.

The largest difficulty in assessing your sexual compatibility with someone you are newly dating is, well, you have to have sex with that person. And probably more than once. Probably LOTS more. Remember that, for all but the luckiest of us, it is going to take a few dozen times for even the most perceptive of partners to learn the techniques and actions that the other person gets pleasure from, and to develop the techniques that are needed to please your new partner.

So what am I getting at here? Be honest to yourself and be honest to your partner. Technique can be learned, but if you like to dress up like a cartoon character before Saturday night sex and they aren’t into that then you may have a problem down the road. I am not saying you should get all this up-front on your internet dating profile, or over your first date coffee, but seriously, if you have any fetishes or acts you cannot live without, you owe it to yourself and your partner to be honest.

My 2nd point here is about building intimacy. The largest sex organ in the body is the brain – for both men and women. Make sure that you take the time to build intimacy and tension during the rest of your time with your partner. All of that built up tension and love will truly come out in your love making.

This should go without saying, but unfortunately it has come up for me time and time again in relationships – keep the mystery alive. First the obvious: keep the bathroom door closed! See how simple that is? And this goes for men and women. Invest $2.89 in some air freshener as well. Yes it’s natural and biological, but that doesn’t mean we have to share!

Also, remember that “sex” is related to “sexy”. Be sexy for your partner. Keep in mind this doesn’t mean you have to dress as a Fireman or slutty nurse every night (but you should every once in a while, just for fun). All this means is that if you are thinking you might want to seduce your partner later on in the evening, you might want to change out of your moth eaten flannel PJs, or change out of your mustard stained “wife-beater” tank top. Take a shower. Put on some cologne or perfume. Spice it up for the sake of your relationship.

So, take the time to talk to your partner about your sexual needs. Honestly and explicitly spell out what you need to be happy. It can be uncomfortable but there is no other way to guarantee your happiness down the road. Be open to accept what your partner says to you. And work to keep the mystery alive and to keep yourself sexy for your partner.