My Blog

And no, the title is not a euphemism for some sort of fetish sexual act. Every one of us carries with us some baggage from our families, our religion, and our past relationships. While these experiences are the ones that make us who we are as people, sometimes it can make things difficult for your partner.

I, for one, certainly don’t come baggage free. After a brief (less than 4 years) marriage to someone who was selfish, deceitful, a liar, spent us into massive (near bankruptcy level) debt and then walked out on her husband and 2-year old child to “go party”, I certainly came into this new relationship with my own wide range of issues that need to be worked through.

Now, first off, after an experience like that you have to allow yourself time for self healing. This is going to take a different amount of time for different people – but don’t skip this step. Before you can move on to a successful relationship you have to put closure on the old one. That doesn’t mean you have to be 100% over your issues and feelings from your past, but it does mean that you need to realise what baggage it is that you carry, and which ones are rational, and which ones are not.

As an example, Jackie and I were recently discussing our future house budget and enumerating our various personal expenses. For me, I can live off about $9 a month in razor blades and soap. For Jackie, her salon hair, nails and other items came to about $200 a month. Coming from a marriage where those types of expenses were hidden on secret credit cards only to be revealed when the card was maxed out and then having to take out loans and lines of credit to bail out my spouse, that type of revelation triggered a knee-jerk type reaction of “I can’t live with that”.

The important part of this example is not the amount of money, but that my partner understood my reaction because I have been honest about my past and my baggage, and she knows that my response is going to be exactly what it was, but instead of responding emotionally herself we sat together and worked through our personal budgets, income, and common expenses. The end result was that $200 is not even a blip in our combined disposable income. But like I said, it wasn’t about money - it is about understanding that everyone carries a little bit of baggage and in a strong relationship you will work through these things calmly and rationally.

Example number 2 is about weddings. When Jackie and I first started discussing the future and the possibility of marriage I was very “anti-wedding”. First of all, there was the expense of it all (see above!) and 2nd, while I wanted to be married I had already had a large wedding and wasn’t sure I wanted to go through it all again.

The money issues were again quickly dissolved by having and understanding partner, and my own self-realization that I could not and should not project the habits of a dishonest over-spender on an honest rational fiscally responsible person. Of course, again, Jackie understands that I have this baggage and does not respond with emotion or outrage, but instead we deal with these things rationally, calmly and with understanding.

As for the second part of my reservations, this required me to realise that this was MY issue, and that I was being unfair to my partner. To say no to a wedding just because I had a little emotional scar from my own would be a selfish move on my part and very inconsiderate of my partner’s needs and desires (I mean it would be her first wedding – and my last one!). Yet again, calm minds and rational discussion win out over emotional knee-jerk type reactions.

So if you are in a relationship – new or established – make sure you take the time to understand your partner and his or her baggage issues. When your partners says or does something that seems out of their regular character try to approach it with calmness and rational thinking and help your partner through the difficult topic – and remember, if this is an old emotional wound it could be a very difficult topic for your partner to discuss. Give it time, be understanding, communicate and support each other. These things will lead to a long and strong relationship.