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Ok – talking about divorce in a blog about relationships might sound odd, but bear with me hopefully by the end this will all make sense …

Anyhow, I got married in 2005. At the time, the woman I was seeing seemed like she was compatible with me – she seemed ambitious, neat and tidy, emotionally supportive. But as time went on, all those qualities seemed to fall away until I was left with someone selfish, shallow, insecure and incapable of supporting her partner. But you know what, I married her anyways.

Without getting into the personal reasons for getting married, I want to get to the point of this post – know thy self and know thy partner. Sure these things seem logical to all of us, but often they get overlooked in relationships because of the emotion involved, or the feeling of being needed, or of needing to be with someone. At the end of the day, it is better to walk away from a relationship and deal with the temporary heartache than it is to undo your entire life, not to mention the increased impact if there are children involved!

So, what do I suggest? Well, I think you have to look at a relationship in terms of its problems and its issues. To me, a problem is something that can be solved. Educations can be had, weight can be lost, genitals and breasts can be enlarged (or reduced) if those are your problems.

Issues are the kind of things that don’t go away. They can either be a physiological lacking (people can’t grow taller, so don’t date someone short if it’s an issue for you), or they can be a lack of a desire to change something.

The key to a lasting relationship is to get all those problems and issues onto the table as soon as possible. By that I don’t mean the first date, but certainly they should be dealt with before you are ready to say “I love you”.

Now, they don’t have to be solved, but you should at least be confident that the things that bother you, even a little bit, are problems that are being worked on, and not issues that are going to be around forever. This is also a give and take – don’t expect your partner to work on their problems if you aren’t going to work on yours.

Sure, discussing problems and issues is never fun, but you have to remember that it should come from caring and not criticism. Good open communication is so important and remaining calm and listening to your partner is the key. Look for alternative methods if you don’t feel you can refrain from being defensive. I don’t generally advocate email since there is no tone to text, but you can certainly use it as an effective tool to start these types of conversations – remember though, start small (“It would make me feel good if you put your coffee cup in the dishwasher instead of in the sink in the morning”) and make sure that whatever behaviour you are talking about isn’t something you do – it’s not fair to ask your partner to put her socks in the laundry basket if you leave your on the floor!!

So there you go, that’s my relationship thought for the day.